Afraid
by Don'tKillKenny
Summary: Ever since Butters can remember, he has loved Eric Cartman. Here is the story of what happened and Butters current loss. Drabble and one shot. First attempt at SP or Cutters, so please be nice and review! Sorry for the crappy title too. Writer's block :S


AN: Okay, well, I've just started to get really into South Park, and I just love Cutters!!!! Such a cute couple, anyways, so this is short fluff and my first attempt at South Park or Cutters so please, go easy on me!!!

He pushed me down again. He always has, and well shucks, he probably always will. I don't know why or what I did wrong, but ever since I can remember, Eric Cartman liked to toy with me.

I can't remember the first bad thing he did to me, but the list went on and on. He seemed to like torturing me. He did almost every thing imaginable to me, heck, he even got me sent to a camp for being bi-curious! It wasn't until about a year after that that I realized that I actually was…

I first realized how much I wanted him to notice me when we were in the locker room in fifth grade. It was after gym class and everybody was getting changed. Golly, it always did smell bad in there, especially because I don't think anyone decided to wear any deodorant at the point. Anyways, back to the story, all of the fellas were talking about which girls they thought were hottest. Eric said he liked Wendy Testaburger, as it was ok to say that now that Stan and she had broken up, and Patty Nelson. Kenny, liking to mess with Eric, said:

"Hey, why all the girls with black hair? You like the black beauties or something? Hey, you like Stan to then?"

"What?! Shut up you poor asshole, I'm straight! I'm not a fag, god damnit!"

"Oh, Eric, do you have a crush on me too then?" Token decided to mess with him further.

"Hey, I like black hair, not black skin you black fag!"

"He admitted it! Oh no, Cartman likes me! Help me!" Craig mock screamed. At that point, everyone except for Eric, me, Pip, and Tweek were doubling over with laughter. Eric was going beet red.

"That's it! If you guys, are going to disrespect my authority like that, then screw you guys, I'm going home!" And with that, he stormed out of the locker room.

I went home that night, and just stared at myself in the mirror. I realized then that I hated my hair. So bright and yellow, how could anyone look at me? Just another thing that made me such a pathetic, shadow of a person, I guessed. I got grounded for two weeks after I died my hair black because my parents thought I was trying to be a vampire again.

Nobody seemed to make any connection. For years, I still continued to admire him from afar. I knew I never had a chance with him. He continued to use me, abuse me, and mock me and my fragile person. I had given up hope, knowing that I would never be good enough for him, and then things got worse. He got his first girlfriend.

We had gotten to grade eight and he started dating Bebe Stevens around January. Everyone was wondering what they were going to do for Valentine's Day. They always laughed together, and most of the time, unless someone stopped them, they would start making out. It not only disturbed people, but it made me had Bebe. Soon, everyone was spreading rumors that she was pregnant and Clyde Donovan was the father. Obviously, that wasn't true, but she was cheating on him with Clyde, so I guess it was close enough.

Soon after that, he started dating Annie Polk. They broke up a week later. No one really knew why they dated in the first place, but Eric got taunted for having a thing for blondes. Once again, he stormed off saying that he was going home.

I stared in the mirror again that night and realized that I liked my hair. I was a nice color that I think accentuated my eyes, and still do. It didn't really occur to me that I was letting Eric control my self-esteem that much, without even knowing it.

More years passed with my silent obsession, and we came to this year, our junior year. Everybody started to drink this year, and there were all sorts of new rumors to talk about, mainly about people coming out.

Stan and Kyle started openly dating that year. Yeah, everybody always thought they were gay, but still people seemed more or less shocked. The people at school were awfully good to them, considering that we live in a redneck town. They first started realizing that they liked each other when they got drunk at a party together. I'm glad they got drunk that night and came out together, or else I might have been the topic of gossip.

I lost my virginity that night, and to a boy too; the one and only Kenny McCormick. It started out with having a few too many drinks at Red's Halloween party. No one, except for the girls who decided to dress up as Playboy bunnies, really got into the spirit. That is, except for Kenny. He decided to, as a joke and a dare, come dressed up as Eric. He stole Eric's coat at school and stuffed a pillow under it. Eric had started to grow into his weight as high school came along, so he actually wasn't much fatter than the rest of us. From far away, Kenny really did look like Eric, and I was getting so tipsy that I couldn't even tell the difference close-up.

I started to stumble around like a mouse in a maze when Kenny saw me. I guess he either felt bad or saw it as an opportunity to get some action; he was openly bisexual and frankly, probably helped me because of the latter.

"Hey Butters, you look like you're having some trouble, want some help?" Kenny said in that evilly charming voice of his. I had used that voice to get many girls and boys into bed many times. I could barely talk, and nodded once for yes. Instead of slinging one arm around his shoulder, he decided to completely pick me up bridal style. At that moment, I actually felt like I had a friend.

We got upstairs to Red's parents room and he carefully put me down on the bed. He ruffled my hair, which I had only let grow out a bit since when I was in Elementary school, and slipped the covers on top of me. I made a little noise as my attempt to ask him where he was going, but he seemed to understand perfectly. I guess he took that as his signal to full out start seducing me.

He rolled into the bed next to me and once again, used his hand to touch my hair. This time though, he was a lot more, aw hamburgers I can't think of the right word, um, gentle, maybe even erotic with his motions. He used the hand on the back of my head to slowly bring me forward to him so that our faces were touching and our lips were millimetres apart. He stayed like that for a second, and in that moment, I really thought that he was Eric. I asked him to kiss me, so he did.

His lips were soft, I suppose, not that I had or have much to compare them to, and definitely skilled. They only pressed lightly against mine, and it was driving me insane, and I think he knew that. I wanted to be closer to him, to be closer to Eric, so I pushed in towards him so that are lips were practically sealed together. I could feel him smirk at my actions, and he opened his mouth by just the slightest bit to let his tongue graze against my lower lip. I was so shocked that I opened my mouth to gasp, and he took that opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth. Now that I think of it, he tasted an awful lot like chocolate and vodka. Apparently, that's his favourite drink, and the taste was so good.

He took my moment of pleasure and exploring of the inside of his mouth to roll over on top of me so that he was straddling my hips. He held each of my wrists in his hands and put them above my head, so even if I wanted to move, which I didn't, I couldn't. He stopped kissing my lips and started to move his mouth all along my jaws, neck, and upper torso. After I started to arch my back, he smirked again in that jackal-like manner of his and whispered so delicately into my ear:

"I want you so badly right now," he stopped to continue kissing and licking my skin, and I was completely lost in the moment like I was floating on cloud nine, "let me show you how badly I want you." And with that, he started to take off his shirt, and mine, and well, he had his way with me. I felt like screaming "Eric!" but there was still a logical part of me that knew I was only dreaming and that I wasn't with the boy who I had craved for so long, but rather his blond best friend. It didn't occur to me how unromantic the situation was until Kenny spoke up afterwards saying "Well, that was a good fuck." He had a smug smile on his face.

I woke up the next morning in Red's parents' room without my clothes on, and the gravity of the situation hit me. I was alone. Eric, or Kenny rather, didn't care about me. I was just a play thing for him. I started to cry.

I guess that Kenny, who had no shame in talking about his sexuality or his escapades with either gender, told Eric about me and him because ever since then, Eric has been particularly cruel to me. He would hit me, kick me, and call me a desperate fag. Sometimes, he would even whisper into my ear while he held me to the floor, "I bet you like this, you little fag. You like to have guys on top of you. You'd like me to fuck you right here, huh?" My face always goes pale when he says that, and he takes it as a sign of fear and leaves laughing. I guess that maybe it's true that I'm afraid, but I'm afraid because that's exactly what I want him to do…

AN: OK, well, I'm done. Did this in like fifteen minutes so it's really bad, I'm sorry. First shot at anything close to a sex scene, obviously. And sorry if there are any spelling mistakes or misuse of words, those piss me off, but I was experimenting. Please review!!!! Flames are accepted, but will be used to roast marshmallows and make s'mores of course!


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